Midweek at Browns headquarters in Berea, Ohio:
Mike Pettine: OK, guys, go get stretched for a walkthrough before we travel to Seattle. Hey, who are you?
Jimmy Clausen: I’m Jimmy Clausen. I will be your starting quarterback against the Seahawks.
Pettine: Don’t be crazy, kid. We don’t need…hold on.
(Checks local police blotter)
(Checks South-by-SouthYesss.com, Austin’s hottest nightlife website)
Pettine: We don’t need you.
(Checks TMZ.com again just to be sure)
Pettine: Johnny Manziel is just fine.
Clausen: Are you sure? Last time I saw him he was trying to plug his face into a USB port.
Pettine: Oh, the tablet Vine. Yeah, Johnny threw an interception and reacted poorly. But he played well against the 49ers. He’s a heck of a play-action roll-out passer, you know. And when he scrambles, he always has his eyes downfield.
Clausen: The Seahawks are a little tougher than the 49ers. I should know. I’ve faced them twice this year, for two different teams!
Pettine: Say, that might be valuable experience. How did you do?
Clausen: My teams lost by a combined score of 61-6.
(Refreshes TMZ.com again)
Pettine: Go away.
Clausen: C’mon, Coach!
Pettine: Look, this is a great opportunity to evaluate Johnny. It’s a hostile environment. The Seahawks defense will provide a real test. Despite some of the clickbait I provided this week, I think Russell Wilson is exactly what Johnny should aspire to become, on and off the field. I’d love a win, but I want to see how Johnny handles this challenge. Now, go bother someone else.
Clausen: Sigh. What do I do now? Getting hammered by the Seahawks is my sole purpose in life. I just have to get one more chance this season. (Notre Dame Fight Song cellphone ringtone). Hello?
Jerry Jones: Hey, Jimmy! We are still mathematically alive for the playoffs. We may need someone to get us through a first-round Wild Card Game.
Clausen: I’m the perfect man for the job.
Prediction: Seahawks 37, Browns 17